Today I realized the ugly truth. I am being selfish.
I’ve been feeling a tad guilty since my last post. I was focusing on what I wanted, what I needed. I was focusing on all of the wrong things. I’ve been craving peace, quiet and order. Those wants have been clouding my judgement. A lovely little post called, “Mommy, Somebody Needs You,” on Your Best Nest brought me back to earth. Judging from the comments she received, I’m not the only one that needed her words. I landed accidentally on a blog I’d never visited before and read words that I was, without a doubt, meant to read. She says, “The sooner I can accept that being Mommy means that I never go off the clock, the sooner I can find peace in this crazy stage of life.” How very right she is! The peace, quiet and order that I’ve been seeking. Forget it, Sister. I need to kiss those fantasies goodbye, because they are ruining my moment. Peace. Quiet. Order. It’s simply not what my life is right now. It’s not what it’s about. It isn’t going to happen … not for many, many years. Those words. They just frankly don’t exist in homes with children, especially small children (or maybe ALL children?) If I were to have those words, then what would that mean? It would mean that I wouldn’t have my children. Right?! It hit me like a hard slap. What would my home look like if it were all peace, quiet and order right now? There would be no crying, yelling, endless juice getting, butt wiping and “can I haves”. There would be no messes, no piles, no empty baby bottles scattered around. But, this isn’t a positive. Because if those things aren’t there, then neither is the laughter, dancing, squealing, playing. If my house is quiet, then all the happy noise is gone too. Would I want that? Never. No way. I have been selfish. I have been making it about me. But, it isn’t. It’s not about me right now. I’m “Momma” now. And, I love it! I love the musical sound of my Little Man’s voice as he calls for me. I love the “MumMumMum” sound that Little Miss is starting to make when she needs me. I love it even when it’s making me crazy. I want to bottle their noises and listen to it forever. I would never wish any of it away.
There is a different kind of peace. I pray for it. Not peace in quiet and order. I’m letting that go. Those wants are free to float away from me and leave me be. The peace I truly want is simply a calmness of the heart … not of the house. This peace will come from accepting what IS. What exists right now. Peace IN chaos, disorder and general craziness. Breathe in. Breathe out. I can feel it seeping into my heart. I’ll keep praying for it. The real kind of peace.
Starting today, I will try a little harder (I was already trying pretty hard, trust me) to embrace my role as Mommy and stopping pushing against it. Stop expecting it to be easy. It’s not easy. Beautiful, yes. Easy, no. And, no, there won’t be Me Time. I’ll have my Me Time another year. No, there won’t be any time off. I’m needed. And, that’s pretty awesome, isn’t it?