Toward the end of my pregnancy with A, I became a sentimental mess. I couldn’t help but worry that I’d forget about the lovely three years that we spent as a family of 3. I worried that N wouldn’t remember the time before A … when it was just us, when our world revolved around him …
Dear N,
I know our lives are about to change, and I know that you have no idea what’s coming. Before that happens…before your momma (your anchor, your security) gets lost in all the crazy that comes with having a newborn, I wanted to take moment and make sure you know….
A piece (a big piece) of my heart will always be yours and only yours. It belongs to you, my sweet, sweet baby boy. If you ever look back and wonder about the time “before A”, when it was just US, you should know that our nearly-3 years alone together, as a precious family of 3, meant the whole world to me. You were my first and nothing can ever change that or take that from us. Without you, I wouldn’t be a momma, nor would I have learned all of the things that word “Momma/Mommy” can mean. I’m scared, actually, if I’m completely honest with you… and with myself. I’m scared that we may lose something that we’ve so carefully crafted…the love that we’ve deepened and perfected and made ours. You and me. My favorite boy. You’ll always be the one who knows how to make his momma smile and laugh. Your “are you happy, Momma?” can pull me away from my thoughts and right back into your world. When you pat my leg tenderly and say, “Everything little thing gonna be alright”, I melt and it’s impossible to stay frustrated or overwhelmed, or whatever emotion I am caught up in at the moment. I love the way you love me … so fully and completely. You have such joy – it embraces me and carries me away. I adore your bright smiles, your easy laugh, and the way you tease your daddy (you are so much like him). We’ve made a place for ourselves in this big ‘ole world and though I am ready to let another tiny person in, I’m terrified that I’ll forget what it was like when it was just us. My son, always know, I love you in the most amazingly powerful way. My heart soars and breaks at exactly the same moment when I think about it. You are my wild, my happy, my determined, my independent, my muscle shirt wearing, my stuffed animal loving, my fearless, my kind, my soft-hearted, my beautiful. You are my first. My boy. I will love you till the end of time!
Love, Mommy
(written July 7th, 2013)
This made me cry! We are doing some family planning of our own for a second, and it scares me to death. While I want Caroline to experience the love and friendship of a sibling, I’m honestly afraid that she will wonder if she wasn’t enough and if she will ever question my love for her. I also question myself: Will my love be divided between the two? My own mother assures me that love multiplies, it doesn’t divide, but I am still SO scared. I’m glad I’m not alone in the fear that comes with that big step to make the family bigger. TFJ
Thanks for commenting, Holly! I’m glad this connected with you. It is scary. There is so much uncertainty and change. I will say, your mom is right. Your heart just grows. I don’t know how, but it just does. And, it’s automatic. It didn’t take very long, once A arrived, to realize that seeing my two babies together would be one of my favorite things in life. They just love each other! Their love for each other took away my fears. I am still afraid that N and I will forget about the time when it was just us, but our hearts opened and let A in… and now we are just a new little team. It’s pretty amazing actually! Best of luck to you and your family as you grow and change! TFJ
You really got me with this one. It probably “zinged” everyone who read it too. The emotion comes through so well and is so visceral you can’t help but feel it in your chest. Since I love the two of you as much as anyone I can, I felt your fear come through also. Trust me it is groundless. You will NEVER lose any of the specialness of the relationship you have with Noah! That you will take to your grave. Nothing will change it. If you were to have five more children the feelings between you and Noah would “your own”, special and unique; unduplicated with any other child or person. What you will have with Audrey will also be different, special, unique, not better, not worse but crafted by an entirely different set of circumstances that will make it’s own thing. What you write is honest and heart wringing but I can tell you from experience that you will not lose any of the “mojo” you have with Noah boy! Not now; not ever! That is a truth you can take to the bank.